The Next Pervy Sage
by YAXON
Summary: Prestige goes to Kakashi's head, and he takes it upon himself to rework the whole 'Neo-Sannin' thing his former students have going on. Namely which of the original Sannin each of them take after. As a result, Jiraiya will be getting a very unexpected successor... Pervy!Sasuke. Crackfic. Will be updated irregularly.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: The New Pervy Sage**

It had all started with a book.

Well, not quite. Really, it all started when someone referred to Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke as the Neo-Sannin. By default, that made Kakashi the new Hiruzen Sarutobi. And quite frankly, it fit – he knew over a thousand Jutsu, and he _had_ been the Sixth Hokage.

The point is Kakashi liked that comparison. He _liked_ being known as the Second Professor. The Second God of Shinobi. Well… no one really called Kakashi that, even if he had been the Sixth Hokage. But Kakashi connected those dots all the same in that clever, crafty brain of his – him being the Second Professor clearly meant he was the **Second God of Shinobi**. He was a **god**. Kakashi really, _really_ liked that thought.

That was the root of all future troubles, unfortunately. Since Kakashi had deduced he was a **god** , that had to mean his students were truly the Neo-Sannin. Because he was such an excellent teacher and a **god**. That clearly left the question of which Sannin each of his precious, adorable former students took after. The comparison was vague, after all, and simply assigning a Sannin to each of their Summon Animals was _boring_. The same went for basing their assignments off of who each of them studied under. Kakashi Hatake did not tolerate boring. The most powerful shinobi were not boring. They were certifiably insane. That made life _fun_.

That boring comparison had to be the one everyone else was making. Kakashi Hatake was not everyone else. He was a _genius_ and a **god**. Therefore, whatever theory he came up with had to be correct. So spoke the **Second God of Shinobi**.

Now. Kakashi knew that one of his students was currently Hokage. Tsunade had become the Fifth Hokage, technically succeeding Hiruzen after his death at the hands of Orochimaru. Naruto had succeeded him as Hokage. He was even _blond_ , for Kami's sake! … Not to mention his Therapy Jutsu tended to 'heal' even the most hardcore megalomaniacs. That made Naruto the Tsunade of the Neo-Sannin.

Then there was Sakura. She was always _experimenting_. Coming up with new, more efficient medical procedures, despite the fact that the Five Great Nations had never been more at peace. But what Kakashi's crafty mind clung to was that word: _experimenting_. Sakura's experimenting was a _lot_ more ethical than the Snake Sannin's, but that didn't matter to the brilliant, happily retired Kakashi. To him, she was the Orochimaru of the Neo-Sannin, and no one would tell him otherwise. She even had an obsession for the formerly-last Uchiha. Neat incidental similarities, huh?

That left the formerly-last Uchiha. Honestly, Kakashi couldn't see a hint of Jiraiya in Sasuke even if he squinted, but if Naruto was Tsunade and Sakura was Orochimaru, that had to mean that Sasuke was Jiraiya. Jiraiya's successor not acting like Jiraiya bugged the tar out of Kakashi. Jiraiya was Kakashi's idol, a **god** in his own right for writing that **divine** smu- novel series. He _had_ to live on somehow. Kakashi would not stand for it. Sasuke was married, but that mattered little to Kakashi. He _would_ get his way. He would corrupt his adorable little student if it was the last thing he did.

And Kakashi did exactly as he set out to do.

"Kakashi-sensei," Sasuke greeted the man neutrally as he was on his way out of the village, with a lunch bento in hand. "What can I do for you?"

Kakashi sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.

"Now, now, I don't always ask for favors from my cute, grown-up students. Isn't it possible that I simply wish to say hello? To check up on you?"

"Possible, but not very likely." Sasuke answered warily, eyes snapping down to Kakashi's hand as it moved for something in his hip pouch. His guard was instantly up.

"Well, I figured with you constantly wandering around…" Kakashi pulled out... not an orange book, but a green one, which threw Sasuke off. "You might like some light reading material. After all, you won't _always_ be on the road. You'll occasionally stop at an inn… or something."

Sasuke just stared at the book in Kakashi's extended hand. He stared, and stared, and stared some more. Until Kakashi took one of Sasuke's arms and forced the book into Sasuke's hand, patting it lightly as he did so.

"Kakashi-sensei… I will _not_ read your perverted book series. In case you forgot, I am… married." Sasuke blandly replied, not quite willing to say 'happily married'. Sasuke Uchiha did not do 'happy'. That was the former Dead Last's job.

"Oh, Sasuke, this isn't Icha Icha," Kakashi replied without missing a beat. "It's… _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_. Yes. The book with a main character that is Naruto's namesake. Naruto's read it, I've read it – we thought you might like to read it. Maybe it will change your… perspective."

Sasuke did not look convinced in the slightest. Kakashi simply smiled behind his mask, weathering Sasuke's suspicious glare easily enough. This continued on for several minutes until Sasuke reluctantly sighed and pocketed the book. That was Sasuke's first mistake.

"I'll take your word for it, Kakashi… But if you're lying, we will be having words when I get back…"

"Oh, I look forward to it." Kakashi preened, practically skipping away merrily as he did so. Sasuke wrote that off as Kakashi just being his eccentric self. That was his second mistake.

His third mistake didn't happen until later that day, when he stopped travelling for the night. He'd hesitantly brought out the book to read, and when he did, a golden light seemed to emerge when he opened the book. Sasuke didn't like that implication at all, but he pressed on. The very first sentence sent a shiver down Sasuke's spine. He turned the book over and bored his eyes into the false cover, and then ripped it off furiously, revealing the lurid orange cover underneath.

Sasuke would have burned the book right there with Amaterasu, but seeing as how Kakashi was likely expecting the book to be returned, as there was an autograph from the late Toad Sannin on the cover, he grudgingly settled for snapping the abomination shut and returning it to his pocket. Unfortunately for Sasuke, the seed was planted, however.

Days later, after attempting and failing to repress the memory of ever reading a single line of Icha Icha, Sasuke pulled the book out again. He was well aware that it took a pervert to treasure such a… series… of books, and Sasuke Uchiha, if nothing else, was _not_ a raging pervert like his Sensei and blond teammate – really, who did Naruto think he was fooling by claiming his 'Sexy Jutsu' was an anti-pervert move? Sasuke Uchiha. Was. Not. A. Pervert. However, with Kakashi's constant reading of the series – _in public_ – Sasuke had to grudgingly admit that there had to be some redeeming factor to these books. After all, if the Toad Sage's writing ability had been shoddy, the Icha Icha series wouldn't have been a best seller. Perhaps it wasn't _all_ smut, like the raging perverts made the series out to be.

So it was with great reluctance that Sasuke cracked open the book again. That was his fourth – and final – mistake. Hours passed by in a flash as Sasuke's eyes flew across the pages, absorbing the text's plot hungrily. At some point, Sasuke had even switched his Sharingan on, to memorize each passage. He just wanted _more_ the more he pressed on. And when dawn's first light appeared over the horizon, Sasuke had completed his first Icha Icha volume. But it wasn't enough for the talented Uchiha. Sasuke wanted **more**. And he would shamelessly admit it to anyone that asked.

… Well, not really. Sasuke had a reputation to uphold. He couldn't admit to liking Icha Icha willy-nilly. Especially with Sakura as his wife… Sakura would _kill_ him if she had the slightest inkling he was reading Kakashi-sensei's choice of literature… But damn it. Icha Icha was the best damn series ever; it had _everything_! Drama, comedy, romance, etc.! … More etc.!

The best bits were the smutty bits, though. But you didn't hear that from Sasuke.

Sasuke's Sharingan had already committed the first volume to memory, and when he returned to the Hidden Leaf, he would be hounding his former teacher for the rest of the series. How could Hatake have been holding out on him all this time?!

 **Author's Note:**

 **This crackfic's been in my archives since… July 14 of this year. It came from a 'short' series of PM Box correspondences with JohnPeaceKeeper – really, we've exchanged hundreds of messages, but we've covered sooo many topics. This was just a random tidbit that came about after we joked about a pervy Sasuke, and I needed to write it out after thinking about it. It. Was. Hilarious. I might have added a sentence or two upon rereading this, but I did really like how it flowed thus far. About the only reason for not publishing it until now was the fact I wanted to add more onto it, which I have every intention of doing.**

 **It just won't be a one-shot like I'd initially intended. XD It probably won't go on for very long, but I at least intend for there to be a few more chapters. They'll be short-ish like this. Hope you enjoyed this at least a little so far. ^^**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: The New Icha Icha Paradise**

Years flew by. Sasuke spent just as much time in the Hidden Leaf as he did abroad – and _no_ , that is not as innocent as it sounds! Sasuke's porn addiction only intensified to levels even beyond the likes of Kakashi, and that was really saying something.

Of course, he would not call it an addiction. Or an obsession. Or a passion. Not a psychological issue, problem in general, or 'just a way of life.'

No, no, no. The female form was _art_ , and was to be admired and revered. Preferably in its purest form, without silly obstructions such as clothes. Though that is getting ahead of ourselves a bit. Sasuke didn't spontaneously leap from fictional porn to the real thing overnight.

… Though he came pretty damn close to doing just that.

No, Sasuke stuck to his first Icha Icha for about a week. He held out for that long before returning to the Hidden Leaf with great haste. That week, no matter what he did or where he went, his mind firmly clung to the memorized text of Icha Icha Paradise. Icha Icha had become an integral part of Sasuke's very **Soul**.

Sasuke's return lasted no more than an hour. He located Kakashi, forcibly returned the first book, and then demanded the rest of the series. Kakashi tried to weasel out of Sasuke's demand, torture him by lending out one book at a time, but the man was foolish enough to reveal his apartment's location to the fanatical Uchiha Clan Head.

Kakashi left his apartment and returned home later that day to an empty bookcase; even those porn novels _not_ penned by the infamous Toad Sage were gone. But it was the loss of the other nine volumes of Icha Icha that really bothered the retired Hokage. Kakashi had sooo looked forward to torturing his former student; first by slowly going through the Icha Icha series, and then by introducing him to _other_ series that were less well-known, but still good all the same.

It never even occurred to Kakashi that he had created a monster. A threat to all bathing girls everywhere. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Sasuke would never dare _harm_ the fairer sex… just perv on them. Without them ever knowing, because his skillset was ideal for his new lifestyle.

Meh. It wasn't his problem. What Sasuke did in his own time was his own damn business. As long as Sasuke was doing something perverted, Kakashi just did not care. Jiraiya's legacy would live on so long as Sasuke played his part…

And play it he did. Sasuke played it very, very well… For a while, all he did was read during his travels. Never paid attention to the welfare of the other nations, as he'd set out to do in the beginning; so engrossed in his reading was he that Sasuke began to get **Ideas**. Icha Icha was sublime in every way. Honestly, to critique the series in any way would be heresy; critics should be drawn and quartered.

But Sasuke envisioned _additional_ scenes for Icha Icha. Like that one scene with Hotaru… And that other one Kagome… And that delectable one with Mikoto… And that tub scene with the bubbles…

And those other porn novels certainly fueled Sasuke's creativity. The creative juices were really flowing in this one. **Ideas** would eventually lead to Sasuke's **Sacred Mission** – that is, the continuation of the **divine** and **Kami-ordained** Icha Icha series.

… If Sasuke noticed that his mother's name was used in Icha Icha, or that the character greatly resembled her from what he could remember, he didn't seem to care. If Sasuke noticed that there was a scene between his mother and Naruto's father, he didn't seem to be offended. That scene was hot. And Sasuke had an **Idea** for an expansion of that scene anyway.

* * *

In the Pure World, Fugaku, Minato, and Kushina were all doing their utmost best to restrain Mikoto before she could tear into the Toad Sannin. Again. For the third time.

They were all very perplexed as to Mikoto's murderous behavior. She wasn't exactly a prude when she was alive; hell, she was one of the biggest supporters for Icha Icha.

Well, except for one scene.

"What'd I do?!" Jiraiya exclaimed from his spot behind a tree that was a hundred yards out from Mikoto's reach.

"It's _your_ fault!" Mikoto hissed like an angry Tora and fought vigorously to escape the grips of her captors.

Kami that woman could be scary…

"I thought you'd be proud that Sasuke wants to continue my work!" Jiraiya tried to defend himself.

"Not _that_ scene, you bastard! You still need to be castrated for that!"

Minato sighed tiredly as he narrowed his eyes at his Sensei.

"She kinda has a point, Sensei," Minato dryly remarked.

"No she doesn't!" Jiraiya replied indignantly. "You were both in support of it at the time!"

"I was young and naïve!" Mikoto hissed. "Minato-kun was Kushina-chan's; and if there's one thing we never shared, it was husbands!"

"Why?" Jiraiya and Minato chorused dumbly.

"Minato-kun is too much of a pretty boy! Just look at that unblemished face! Only Kushina-chan should own such a pretty boy! … Even if he did become Hokage… I was perfectly fine with owning the Clan Head, as unattractive as he is. She who controls the Clan Head controls the Clan!"

"…"

Pure. Unadulterated. Silence.

* * *

Yeees, indeedy. Sasuke had **Plans**. But he couldn't just continue Icha Icha with a paltry amount of additional scenes (approximately seventy eight). Fans would want **New Material**. New characters. New adventures. New smut.

Sasuke would need to conduct research. He'd already committed Kakashi's collection to memory, but Sasuke needed **visuals**. After all, the best kinds of sources are primary sources, and as great as Kakashi's collection was, they were only secondary sources. The literary word could only do so much – but that was not a critique of Icha Icha. No. Icha Icha had **visuals** , too; yet Sasuke stubbornly insisted to himself that he needed **new visuals**.

And that was how Sasuke began frequenting bathhouses and hot springs. The one back home in the Hidden Leaf was his favorite; kunoichi were more likely to appear in a hot springs set in a Hidden Village, and the Hidden Leaf's kunoichi were the very best of the very best of all the kunoichi out there.

The fact that he went to school with some of those kunoichi, and the fact that many of those kunoichi were married, mattered very little to Sasuke. He was **untouchable**. Sasuke cloaked himself in Genjutsu whenever he was in the middle of Research, and whenever someone came close to discovering him, he would lull them back into a false sense of security with his classy Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan.

The objects of his admiration needed to remain absolutely clueless of his **Sacred Mission**. Yet they also needed to be willing to do anything for him without knowing it was for the sake of Research. The Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan was really, really helpful. Oh so helpful.

Oh yes, Kakashi had created the world's biggest, most successful pervert. He hadn't been caught even once over the years.

Sasuke did eventually put pen to paper and started drafting the next generation of Icha Icha. But there was a tiny snag. He couldn't put his name on the cover; he would need to use an untraceable **Pen Name**. Lest Sakura catch wind of his **Sacred Mission** , that is. She shouldn't complain, given that Icha Icha helped to conceive Sarada in a kinky way, but Sakura would likely be very furious and unreasonable.

No, Sasuke could not risk it. He created the perfect **Pen Name**. It was brilliant.

The second generation of Icha Icha would be penned by the mysterious Chi Ita.

 **Author's Note:  
Oh, Sasuke… I love what the crack does to you. :D Hope you enjoyed. ^^**

 **Review Replies:**

 **Fallen's Child: Thanks! It's fun. :D**

 **Ms Spooky1: Yeah, but the focus will be on Sasuke for now… We will be seeing Naruto and Sakura later, I suppose. For now Sasuke has embarked on his journey as a writer. :D**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Good. :D**

 **Yungsun: Thanks! ^^**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: Yup. This is fun. :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: Super-Hot-Steamy-Smut**

And so the years flew by. Shockingly enough, Sasuke got away with that first alias… for about a year. Sakura was, of course, aware that the Icha Icha series had been continued after so many years, but she never bothered to look into _who_ was writing the next generation of it. Until she got an anonymous tip-off, anyway. Well, 'tip-off' might not convey the truth of what occurred; there were rumors that Sakura read the trio of novels that Sasuke had penned within that first year, and had only gotten pissed that one of the main characters – Cherry Blossom in the Wind (no, don't ask us where Sasuke came up with the character names; we don't know either) – bore an uncanny resemblance to her.

Of course, that's all just speculation. No one's really sure _how_ Sakura happened upon the second generation of Icha Icha, but she obviously had some great deductive skills seeing as how she was able to see through her husband's clever alias. No one really cared, either, except for the fact that someone ratted Sasuke out, and they needed to pay.

So there was a manhunt going on for that…

Anyways, Sasuke's writing career was temporarily put on hold, much to the dismay of his exceedingly, perhaps even disturbingly large underground fanbase in the Hidden Leaf. After all, people would have to be idiots to be blatant about their porn addiction with people like Sakura around; only those who could hope to hold a candle to the pinkette's brute strength could hope to be that daring – like Kakashi, for example.

So Sasuke had a sort-of-secret cult following going on there. They had weekly meetings and everything. Some even had shrines dedicated to Sasuke hidden away in their closets at home. Not disturbing at all.

But Sasuke did not give up, much to the delight of his fans. No, Sasuke reworked the name of the series a little and came up with a _new_ brilliant alias. One so devious that not even that clever, clever Sakura would be able to trace back to him. Yes, the Super-Hot-Steamy-Smut series was being penned by the mysterious Izu Na.

Where does Sasuke come up with this stuff?

Admittedly, somewhere in the Pure World, an ancestor of Sasuke's was plotting his imminently painful demise… Two, actually, counting that overprotective ancestor's brother… Mikoto was still trying her utmost best to castrate the Toad Sannin, too.

But we're digressing now. Sasuke's writing career was now salvaged after a _slightly_ better reworking of the title of the series and the author's alias. Sasuke had been so sure that Chi Ita would be untraceable, but in hindsight, it was kind of a bad idea. It gave off the impression that he was a cheater in some way – most likely to his wife – and Sasuke was no cheater. No, Sasuke might have appreciated the female form a lot more than most other perverts in this era, but he was still married to a decent woman.

He still claimed he didn't do the 'happy' thing. Though he was contemplating passing on the torch to Sarada somehow when he eventually passed on. Sasuke just had to find a way of doing that without alerting Sakura to his machinations… It was vital that the Icha Icha series carried on for generations to come, damn it.

Nevertheless, the years flew by, and Sarada's generation became Genin. They were on the cusp of puberty, which was just around the time Sasuke could begin indoctrinating Sarada and making her his successor… That was when Naruto's brat entered the picture. Around the time for their first Chunin Exams, to be exact.

" _Hey_! What do you think you're doing peeping on the women in the bath?!" Boruto tried to come across as authoritative, but in all honesty, his screechy voice grated on Sasuke's ears.

Sasuke barely turned to the boisterous blond, his pointer finger raised to his lips.

"Quiet, you insolent child. I won't have you disrupt my research."

Huh. Déjà vu. Y'know, with Naruto's kid disrupting a Super Pervert's research 'n all.

Well, that obviously wasn't the answer Boruto was looking for. If anything, that answer incited him and made him turn crimson with indignant rage. He raised a fist and stomped over to the Uchiha Clan Head, who was huddled by the wall and peeking into the hot springs while ignoring the blond for the most part.

"Asshole! Get outta here before I kick your ass! I'm not gonna let you peep on my sister when she's in there one of these days!"

Instinctually, Sasuke swiveled his head toward Boruto sternly with an Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan glare. For once, Boruto faltered in his noble pursuit of chasing off the perv. He might've been a bit of a hyperactive youngster, but Boruto had been at the top of his class in the Academy. He knew damn well who this man was.

"Hey, you're…" Boruto trailed off helplessly as recognition dawned on his face. Sasuke merely said one word to effectively silence him, since they were making eye contact.

"Tsukuyomi!"

Thud. Just like that, Boruto keeled over and went into Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan Lala-Land. Sasuke was merciful with the boy and had put him in the exciting world of Super-Hot-Steamy-Smut, for the usual three-days-in-one-second of Tsukuyomi time. When Boruto grinned in his sleep, Sasuke nodded firmly and knew he had done a good deed for the day.

True, the boy would be forgetting about their first encounter courtesy of a Sharingan-mind-wipe, as Sasuke didn't need Boruto's blabbering to somehow get back to his wife, but no pubescent boy should hold off on learning the innate beauty of the female form in its purest form, which is to say adult women that were stark-raving naked.

Yes, Sasuke had done his good deed for the day.

* * *

It wouldn't be until a couple days later that Boruto would encounter Sasuke again. This time in a much more 'innocent' setting of a tea shop. Of course, the boy was convinced that this was their first meeting, but Sasuke knew better and decided to let bygones be bygones. Sasuke would forgive the slight made against him seeing as how the blond was appropriately ignorant of Art for a boy his age.

But he would learn, and Sasuke would tolerate no more cockblocking when that time came. Cockblocking was the Unforgivable Sin in the unwritten-but-universally-known Bro Code.

At any rate, Boruto actively sought out Sasuke this time. Apparently, the brat looked up to him as an idol because he was the complete opposite of Naruto in character and fighting style. Brat held a lot of hate toward his dad for being so distant from his family. Not that Sasuke really cared for his plight, because dredging up such sympathetic emotions would take time away from his research.

And Sasuke couldn't very well have that.

Still, Sasuke threw the kid a bone or two upon further reflection. If the kid idolized him and wanted to learn from him, then he could pass on the torch to the brat as well as Sarada. Two successors was a whole lot better than one, and doubled the chances for future successors down the line. Icha Icha needed to live on in the hearts of perverts for the centuries to come, after all. And they would always need a Super Pervert to govern them. One Super Pervert to rule them all and all that.

Sasuke started small with this one. In addition to Chakra Control and Shurikenjutsu, Sasuke gave the brat some light reading for him to do in his downtime. Which is to say, Sasuke passed on the same Icha Icha novel that had started him on the Super Pervert path. It was only appropriate, after all. He did the same with Sarada during one of Sakura's all-nighters at the hospital.

Officially, no one's really sure if Boruto and Sarada fell for Sasuke's attempt at indoctrinating them. They sure as hell didn't become borderline blatant perverts like him.

But maybe, just maybe, every Thursday night the three would get together for private talks. Don't quote us on that, though.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Well, that was fun. Finally wrote out the scene that JohnPeaceKeeper and I joked about – albeit, I changed the context a little. Boruto seeking out Sasuke for training came about after that first fateful meeting. XD Anyways, I hope you enjoyed. ^^ I might do one or two more chapters after this; not much more, mind you. I know I said I'd eventually include Naruto and Sakura, what with Kakashi's vision of Team Seven, but I might just work them into their own spinoff fanfics or something. I dunno yet. Sasuke's had much more potential humor to it. :D**

 **Review Replies:**

 **LemonLime64: Thanks! Glad you've enjoyed them so far! ^^**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: Yes, yes it does. :D**

 **Yungsun: Hush now, it'll be okay… :D**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Yes he is. And yes it does. Sasuke-unhinged is a glorious thing, yes it is. XD**

 **prodigypsycho: That's part of the charm, though. crack!Sasuke is so much fun to write. :D**

 **Bob (guest): Yup. :D**

 **Guest: It's on a hiatus right now because of a combination of things. I might try to update it over winter break…**

 **SeabeeGR: Thanks for the reviews! ^^**


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